Dance Parties and Old Maid

There are times I am reminded, with sudden and absolute clarity, my purpose. 

It started with an impromptu, after dinner dance party in our living room. Cleaning up dishes and pots, we swiveled our hips and bounced around to Beyonce, James Brown and Green Day. The littlest did her best rendition of a Go Go Girl, while the middle practiced jerky robotic movements. The oldest, most in control of her body, spun and jumped and bounced to every beat with certainty. It was a blast and I found myself laughing out loud.

Eventually though, the energy slowed down and I found the kids sitting on the living room rug, playing the card game, Old Maid. Giggling, teasing and chatting, they were focused only on each other. It was lovely to see and I felt a surge of  longing to be a part of their camaraderie.

But it was then, while they sat together and apart from me, that I acknowledged the bittersweet reminder that these three do not belong to me. Yes, I am a devastatingly powerful influence as their mother and they are mine to protect, love and guide, but only for a tiny window of time - because ultimately, like all of us, they belong to the world.

The enormity of it scares me.

This same world is rife with famine, civil wars, pollution, environmental devastation and horrific violations against the most basic of human rights. What, exactly, am I preparing them for? How do I instill in them respect, kindness, and service to others? How do I teach them that strength is not always with muscle and humility does not denote weakness? How do I show them that to love others is a blessing and that hatred will destroy you? How do i teach them to stand up for themselves and to stand up for others?

I've been told by those much wiser than I, that the only way to do this is by example. That by living with sincerity and love and wonder, my children cannot help but rise to my expectations. That by being accountable to these three small, frail and mighty humans, I will rise to meet the challenge. But tonight, cradling a cup of tea, eyes stinging from lack of sleep, I have my doubts. It's been a long day...a long month actually and I've lost my temper, said things I didn't mean, wasted time with details that didn't matter....shouted too loudly and too often. None of this is easy and frankly, I don't know if I'm up to the challenge or even that it is enough...

...but I guess it will have to do.